Dear Glen Mar friends,

I’m enrolled in a free leadership online course offered through the Baltimore Washington Conference called “Non-Anxious Leadership.” (Your Mission Share dollars at work!)

This week, we studied “emotional triangles” and I thought it was so helpful for me, that it might be helpful for you too! This happens when 2 people (A) and (B) have a conflict or some issue between them, and it is uncomfortable for them to resolve or talk about. So, (B) goes to a third party (C), to talk about the conflict they have with (A). This is often done unintentionally, because we are human, and because it is stabilizing to the system. You can also have triangles where (A) and (B) argue a lot about an issue with (C) to avoid talking about the real problems in their relationship or taking ownership over their own “stuff” in the problem.

Signs of an unhealthy triangulation would be, 1. Not speaking to the person you have the issue with directly; 2. Not having an interest in healing the relationship or reconciling with that person; 3. Looking to the other person in the triangle (C) to take responsibility for or to fix the issue; 4. Making quick (and negative) assumptions about motives or actions of the one you have issue with.

I thought of Martha and Mary’s interaction with Jesus in Luke 10:38-42 as an example of Jesus disabling an “emotional triangle.” Martha has a conflict with Mary and takes it to Jesus to resolve. She doesn’t go to Mary, and she doesn’t care about fixing that relationship. She makes negative assumptions about what Mary is doing and why. Jesus does seem to “take Mary’s side,” but he also seems to be refusing to play Martha’s game of being triangulated into their conflict.

In the church, triangulation can look like wanting the pastor to “fix” an argument or having a friend approach you about a problem they have with the pastor (or another church leader). Triangles make the person who is doing the triangulating less anxious, but it doesn’t fix the problem and it makes the person brought into the triangle also “part of the problem.”

The solutions are to remember that you cannot change someone else’s relationship and the only person you can change is YOU. What you can do is listen and stay emotionally connected to the person, without taking on the work that is theirs to do (or “enabling” their avoidance), which is to communicate directly with the person in question. (See Matthew 18). You can remain emotionally connected to both people without “fixing” or taking sides. That is the challenge of Christian leadership—to stay emotionally connected even if there is disagreement, to help others to resolve conflict in healthy ways, and to be able to draw good boundaries that allow for acting in accordance with God’s leading in our lives.

I am so glad to be able to learn how to be a better leader, and grateful that we can all learn together in an atmosphere of love and forgiveness. I’m so proud and humbled to be your pastor.

See you in Church,
Pastor Mandy